:: LIBERATE ::

I went out yesterday.. with this friend of mine.. that we have been trying to get together for like the longest time, and finally we did.. well I went.. I accepted.. and went.. and it was great.. I mean I really enjoyed it.. I needed that to liberate.. to forget.. to try different things.. to change.. get away from it all.. I'm trying so hard here.. to change.. to forget.. to erase.. its' so fucking hard.. it's hurts like hell.. it burns.. it's the worse.. I need to numb out.. NUMB... to not feel.. to go back to the old me.. to the though old me.. the numbed out me.. the invincible me.. the strong me... the powerful me..

the one with a shield for everything.. that wouldn't let anything affect her.. the restless me..

I had so much fun yesterday.. I mean I really did.. I needed that.. to numb out.. escape.. run from it all.. to relax.. go out.. and just have simple fun.. chill.. change settings.. be different.. it felt so good.. so fuckin good.. to try something new.. be different for once.. not be me.. but then again that's what got me into all of this..

One of my closest friend's [ili] told me that "I have the power to change".. to make things better.. to recuperate.. that I have to feel.. FEEL.. and not numb out.. " that I shouldn't escape.. that I have to learn.. to accept.. to just let go".. no darle mente.. put my mind to it..to erase it all.. and not numb out.. not to be numbed.. to actually face it.. maybe she's right.. well actually she is right.. it's fucking true.. I can't always numb out.. I have to accept.. to go through it.. to not run.. escape from it all.. like I always do.. but it's feels so fucking good..

I've never been through this.. never.. of being rejected [I wasn't really rejected, just not paid much attention, like I'm used to, not that I worked on getting it either, but it normally flies in by itself].. not being corresponded.. not getting what I want.. of actually being the "victim".. and falling in.. never.. I'm spoiled.. I'm always on top.. I was a fucking goddess.. I was always the harsh one.. the one who would commit the crime.. the "bitch"....

KARMA.. karma man.. it got me.. choked me.. I deserve all of this.. but then again.. I don't feel like I'm paying enough for my sins if that's what karma is.. a comeback of what u've done.. cause I was mean.. I was evil.. pure evil.. I had no regrets.. but then again.. I'm torn.. I'm actually torn.. I'm on the other side now.. and I hate it.. I regret it all.. I hate it..

But I think I'm getting over it.. I am.. I'm just not used to all of this.. the stir of emotions.. misplaced all over.. I don't know how to handle it.. but I've learned.. I'll learn.. I prefer to numb it all.. but I'll learn.. I have to face it.. be strong.. not let it overcome me.. and learn from it.. learn.. and grow... and rebuilt a better me.. a rejuvinated me.. a sophisticated me.. an invincible me.. a harden me.. the old me..