:: HELL IN PARADISE ::

After reading George's blog.. and finding out about his weekend up in Romana, I think.. I realized how weird and wild my weekend was.. OMG.. so I decided to make a day to day resume (well sort of) about how it all went.. yes I know.. it's not adequate to do so.. but people this something u must read... and I have a load on my mind and want to post it all out :).

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* NOTE *

I named this blog this, on behalf of my dear friend Fernando. LOL. This is one trip he'll never forget. LOL. It marked him forever.

Also for the record, like George said, if I missed anything, which I probably did, "THEN SCREW U", cause I'm not writing it in.. I can only go so far, u know... lol

Just kidddin, just of course post it on the coments.. dah....

*END OF NOTE*

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:: THE SUN :: THE BEACH :: THE CORRUPTION ::

:::: WELCOME TO CABARETE ::::

DAY ONE:: LA LLEGADA ::

ok.. after sleeping for an hour and half I wake up like around 4am to wake up Pam and Fernando and get their lazy asses up. I call Pam first and remind her that Paco (her dog) cannot come and to hurry up and get dressed that I'm on my way [completely the opposite of what she did]. I then dail to Fernando.. ay Fernando.. I call and all I hear is "rifgh.. a dabble dabble.. a sniff.. ahmm.. ok..".. that made me think (someone had fun last night). We all meet at 5 at the bus stop and off we leave. Our way over there was interesting.. a bit down, but interesting. Me and Pam kept on fighting and nudging each other, cause we kept on poking each other with our elbows.. Fernando entertained himself talking to the old fat lady next to him, which looked real good (LOL).. Me and Fernando nos fuimos en una con que queriamos pollo at 6:15 in the morning.. after we stopped the first time I ended up getting nauseas after eating this empanada that tasted nothing like chicken and ended up almost throwing up and had to switch with Fernando so Pam won't have a fit.. Pam after an two hours se fue en una with a baby's vomit (some baby puked)... near the end me and Fernando ended up tripping our asses off with the trees outside and talking shit, while Pam was somewhere in the back moaning something.. ( I don't know what.. can't remember).. then we finally arrived.. When we arrived.. the mission was to get my bag out of the bus and into a cab and then to the hotel.. my god.. I'm not even gonna go there.

So we get to the hotel.. change and go to the beach, while we wait for Pam's friend, Michelle a.k.a. Ruselfis (who ended up being a friend of mine too) to arrive. We take some sun.. I make some calls.. I got burned.. Pam se va en una.. and then around (I don't remember) Pam's friend arrive. I'm in the room changing to go to the beach again when Michelle comes in. I get out and to my surprise the same Crazy Ass Michelle that I know, is the same one Pam invited.. heheheh.. now the fun begins..

We go to the beach.. and hook up some chaylones and meet up with Michelle #2 and Moyris.. [ok for the record: #1 is Michelle a.ka. Ruselfis (pam invited), #2 is Michelle (my friend from here that we met there)]. So the drinking' begins..
We all decided to get drunk, but couldn't all accord with what so we ended up getting beer. Nos bebemos como [don't remember how much] Jumbos grandes de Presidente and got our asses drunk.

- Michelle #1 ended up burping in front of her boyfriend's friend a great big "UPMH" or "UFFF"

- Pam ended up presinando the day off and saying hello to the night with style.

- We managed to make an exotic photo album by the beach of our drunk asses, by posing off our "hommes" or "jummms" with style, and taking pic with Michelle's #2 cam, which she was in charge of flashing.. [and never got the job done] [ i have to see that album.. my god.. the corruption.. lol ]. Also, half of Cabarete noticed we were there.. and some weirdoes gave us brugal..

- I hooked up with a great "umph" by rockin' down my glasses with style.. while walking to get more beer.. LOL.. this was so funny.. ahhaha.. we were on our way to get more beer (Pam, #2, and I don't remember).. when Pam meets up with her "umph". We standing there drunk tripping off.. when I see that next to Pam's "umph", there's my new to come "umph".. my god was he "UMPH" [ with style lean, glasses down, sexy look, lip bitten and a "umph", glasses up, turn around, michelle got scared (thinking they were phychoes, LOL), and back to the beach].

- Both Michelle's came up with a new way to go to the "Pippi Room" by modeling at the shore of the beach with style with getting rid of some liquid..

- Fernando got burned.. [don't know where he appeared from]

- I managed to accidentally [notice, it was accidently, it was not on purpose, it was accidently] find a new way to inhale Brugal through the respiratory system, and discover that it does the same effects as other resources that are made to go through there, not only that, that it actually makes a quicker effect, and elevates your "juumm" , yes my friends "me di un tremendo pase de Brugal, and I loved it, and believe me I made sure everyone took that in mind"

- While walking back to the room the words to all Cabarete were: "UPMH" and "umph"

- In the room.. don't remember.. eheheh.. don't remember.. but I know for a fact that I changed and had a great makeout session with my UMPH .

In the night:
-We ended up going to ONNOS.. and there we tripped our drunk asses off.. I ended up sitting down on one of the tables to rest.. cause I was about to knock out.. and was burned all over.. til the the music was turned off at 12 something.. then back to the room. When we got to the room we all decided to go to the beach and chill a while. I ended up mysteriously disviandome del grupo with Joan, Jan, Juan whatever Pam's cousin (my "umph") name was (LOL) I kept on confusing his name, and ended up wrestling and arguing with him about something and not wanting to not go in the beach, so he ended up giving Pam and I think the others from afar a show, when his drunk ass entered the beach in boxers pissed.. and almost drowning.. [no Pam u didn't hallucinate Jan Carlos si entro al mar a plena madrugada]. So after a couple of co*#s from Jan.. and NO's from me.. and attacks.. and his fake choking on the brugal bag so he could just run over me all over again, We ended up going back to the room where Fernando and Michele were (hmm.. I wonder.. hehe). I go decently and knock, when Jan from nowhere screams a great "co*#! open up" and almost knocked Michelle off the bed. I got pissed and threw something at him, which I think knocked him out, and he ended up pissed again.

So I'm sleeping off my "juumm" after a long good shower, interviewing and talking to Fernando about my love issues [which he repeatedly complained about not hearing], and finally convincing Michelle that Pam was in good hands and that she will be back soon (which was a lie, cause I didn't know where the hell she was) when all of a sudden my cel rings (just great ah). I get it, with pain cause I can't walk cause of the insolation I got on my leg and body, so I hop my way to get and back to bed again, it was none other then junked moyris and #2, calling me up to kidnap me to some bonche en el "Rocon". I told them no like a thousand times and they still came. So my drunk ass had to get up and hop my way over to the door like at 3 something am to open up the door, and no hago yo abrir la puerta, look out, when I knock out all over again, repeating "I can't walk, I can't walk".. til the next day.

DAY TWO: AND THE OTHERS:

Well day two was more of a relaxin' day, during the day that was. We just laid by the beach and chilled, made a few phone calls, got yelled at a bit, almost got myself raped by Pam's cuz, got yelled at some more, argued a bit more with Pam's cuz, managed to pissed Michelle off, then the mission to cool her off, got yelled at some more, lost pam de un jumo, making hours til' our wonderful Lola arrived. I also managed to convince un haitiano at the hotel to hook me up with some sabila, for my burns, now that was an interesting convo:

I walk up to the haitiano [talking with an american accent]: "hola, usted me puede conseguir un poquito de sabila porfavor" [my shirt is up, and my stomach is showing] "it hurts, it hurts"
Haitiano: "tabila, tabila, ah ti, tabila ay po ahi"
Me: "Please, conseguir una, Please"
Hatiano: [looking confused] "una entela, oh pedato?"
Me: "I don't know, it hurts, it hurts"
Haitiano: "ay dio, dime dime, yo no se no, como"
Me: "It hurts, It hurts"
Haitiano: "ta bien yo ve una po ahi" and he leaves.
I come back from the atm machine and he hands me over the stem of sabila.
Then the night arrived [OH MY]. To tell the truth I remember very little about the night. But I do know that some very disturbing incidents did occur.

-I'm there at Onnos chillin' mindin' my own business when all of a sudden I bump into one of my ex's, or whatever he was of mine [a something - yes Joha, ur charming brother, fuckin bastard]. Here is when I realized, after experimenting with it myself, that karma really does exist. Well the dude se la cojio conmigo, osea no me soltaba. I'm dancin, and he comes after all the shit that he did dique buscandome el lao, I was like ahmm yeah right no!, y saque pie. Well I guess the pushing and the no's weren't enough, it results that while I was dancing by the bathroom waiting to go pi, he came on to me all over again, but this time OMG with agretion, I mean he was an animal, he grabbed me, said some shit in my ear about being mad and wanting something (can't really remember), and then bit kissed me like an animal and shoved me into the bathroom. I was like OMG OMG OMG, this didn't just happened and got out all confused and ran off to the beach, almost breaking my neck where I found my lover Fernando. ;).

-Ah Fernando, now this is something. It results that for the first time ever our little dear Fernando ended up actually finding out about the wonderful mysteries of life, and was fully enjoying it. As I approached the beach I was in shock to see our little Fernando jumping and thanking God like a maniac by the beach. "wow wow wewewww!! wow!! thanks man.. thanks. nat man.. why not before thanks.. I love u guys!!.. let's dance.. eweewwwww!!!.. yeah!!! hellloooo coconut tree..;).."He was on a ROLL. LOL. Man, did I feel proud.

-My second yet not so disturbing incident, occurred a little after the first one mentioned, I think, or was it before..hmm. can't remember. Well this one was interesting, as I was dancing in Onnos by the bathrooms, I was suddenly attacked by Pam's cuz in the most kinkiest way. I'm dancing minding my own business again, when all of a sudden this animal comes out of nowhere and runs into me and literally eats me, almost falling (since he tripped on the steps), and killing me. I was like :0, and attacked him all over again, [yes my friends, I'm kinky I must admit.. hehe].

The rest of the night was aight.. spent most of it.. drinkin, dancin, drinking, and dancin some more.. now the morning that was something else.

It results that, both me and Pam's cuz were lost through mid morning and found ourselves rather lonely, after only like 10 hours of pour dancin and drinking, and had the most weird yet anamalistic encounter. I was by Lola and Oscar, minding my own business, dancin, and talkin, u know, having a good time, when all of a sudden I turn around and I find myself with this sexy beast from afar, I was like "umph" "I need to go get that", and moon walked myself over. We savagely run into each other, and he literally eats me into bits, wew! my god!, and after a couple of minutes of me trying to hide my "drume" and having to post it all out and savagely shutting up Jan everytime he spoke, cause he would just ruin it all with his kinkiness, and getting my lip back and returning his, I finally managed to set myself free and meet up with Lola and Oscar oughta breathe. Now here I managed to find out some interesting news, it results, that not only did me and Lolz have kinda the same history (emotionally) at different times with the same guy in our pasts (well more present to me), but the we were currently hooking up with cousins. It resulted that Mr. Oscar (Lola's "umph"), is none other than My UMPH's Cuz, HOW WEIRD IS THAT!!! :0. [Lolz man, I'm tellin u something is up.. what is going on man..].

Well the rest of the morning Me and Lolz and the rest of the after party crew tripped our asses off at the after party in el "Roncon" til 11am, where Lolz and me headed back to the beach, and then found ourselves having a spaceless convo on the way back to the room around 1pm, where we knocked out til mid afternoon.

Around 4 something I woke up, to Pam's disturbing phone calls of desperation. Man did she bother. I dragged myself over to the beach, leaving lola, Moyris and Julisa knocked out in the room, and met up with Pam, Ruselfis and Mayrel. Here Pam managed to get drunk before all of us again [now this over here is interesting and deserves a little parenthesis:

:Pam's Tale: During her "HOMME" or "JUMMM" :

-Our dear Pam not only managed to get drunk before all of us, but also managed to make a goodbye to the day, hello to the night,and a good morning dance, using the cross and some exotic signs combined.
-Not only that, she also discovered a new route to the room, that only she knew about, and got there quicker, now how she got through it, no one knows.]

The rest of the afternoon and mid evening was pretty calm, mainly composed of some drinkin, a personal dance show to the "mamaguebo" song in our room from some weird yet entertaining drunk friends Mayrel has, and more drinkin. Now the night that was something else.

-Resulta que Cabarete is nothing without the music, and since the music sucked, it was hell!!. Man was I pissed. It results that the goddamn bar of Onnos not only was is full of weird sweaty people, but it had on the same damn music, and not only that to top it off everytime that I would get my groove on with the music, these goddamn morenos stopped it all to play this fuckin tamboras which really sucked, and the worst part is that they actually thought that the people were liking it, and they weren't!! Man was I pissed. So u could only imagine, how happy I got when I heard Lola say that she staying, and didn't go to the bonche (which by the way, no taba de na "what I heard") and stayed :). So I managed to make something of the night by Lola's side, which was rather interesting (Lola u my bitch! lol).

- Not only did the music suck, but I managed to loose my voice, and sounded like a man the whole night. Shit!!

- As u all know I'm pretty white, and could be mysteriously confused as a gringa, which by the way means "DANGER" in cabarete. I'm there, by the beach, dancing, chillin, mindin my own business when oughta nowhere comes out this Sanky Panky and attacks me. I was freaked out. I ran my ass through almost half the beach getting away from the horrible yells of "ben mi amo.. kere se amo conmigo.. ben.. no dele amo", man was that traumatizing. I was scared oughta my head. "My Goodness".

- When I finally managed to get away from the attacking panky and get some clear space by the beach at Onnos, I was surprised to encounter myself nuevamente con mi adorable hot stuff. I'm dancin, minding my own business when oughta nowhere from afar I see this sexy thing coming my way. He's stops, points at me, I turn my head both ways, asking "who me", and he comes, walks sideways, snapping his fingers, and winking at me, biting his lip, towards me, and I respond walking back towards him with an anamalistic look, like I wanna eat him, then all of a sudden he trips and FALLS backwards on the sand. I was like :0, in shock. He lays there screaming softly "help.. help" like a baby, and I run over baywatch style and kneel next to him and put his head on my lap, saying "it's ok, I'm here, it's ok, I'm here". I felt so bad. Then oughta nowhere he jumps up and attacks me, and almost eats me all up. I was like OMG :000. And eat him back, of course I was only using it as a tactic to free myself. I finally managed to free myself from the animal, when then he comes over to me again and almost knocks me down and grabs me saying some kinky shit in my ear, about sticking something in somewhere and asking me what I was doing there alone, and I freak out and say a big "NO", that only meant yes, and walk away. Then he comes oughta nowhere, again, and looks at me and points to me and says "mira buena loka te solte en banda", and went off to look for his buddy Gary, who ended up tucking him in del Jumo.

-Miss Ruselfis, oh Miss Ruselfis, this little lady here decided to wear the most uncofterable sandals, in the worst time. I had to hear her whine her ass off the whole night, til Pam and Gary finally decided to escort her to the room, where they found themselves with my little hot stuff all drunk screaming "eo!" oughta his lungs, and had to be tucked into bed, by his older "brother" Garz. Poor thing, didn't make it through the night.

- Well after I managed to get rid of Ruselfis here and her whines, and loose Pam (who was never found), I finally got to trip some of the night off, well some, cause those damn morenos, kept it on with the drums. DAMN!! But it was all made up for, when my dear little adorable Fernando made me proud by letting me corrupt him, well let me correct that, He Let Out His Corruptive Side, yes Fernando let loose. Boy, was I proud, again.

The rest of the night was ok, it was a riot in my head, but it was ok. Til something horrible happened.

MOYRA'S NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

now this over here is something to post out man. It results that mis snake here, didn't have enough with the wooden tarima set for her to dance on, and had to have some of the floor also. Moyra, my dear junked Moyra, was up on the wooden tarima dancing, flowing her snakie vibes on to everyone, when all of a sudden as she was turning she was knocked off the stage. I was like OMG :00. Not only did she knock herself off, but she got up like if nothing saying "Lookaaa.. mi caabeeza.. Lookaa.. me cai.. Lookaa" and danced her way off. Man, was she fucked up. LOL.

Well after this incident everything else was pretty normal, til morning came along. All of us AFTER PARTIERS decided to go nuevamente to el "Roncon" and trip our asses off there. It was GREAT man!! WOW!! INCREDIBLE!! I was left speechless.

::ME AND LOLZ DAY TRIP::

Now this over here is something to remember. WOW. It results that the night wasn't enough for me and lola to trip, so we had to grab part of the day also. ;). It was incredible. It was GREAT. UNDESCRIBABLE.. I was wavered man.. WAVERED!!.. WOW.. *sighs*..

LOLZ U MY BITCH!!

Now over here some disturbing events did occur, which I actually remembered.

-It results that our dear little Moyris here decided to calentarme with a group of close friends of mine in the most face slapping way. Man was I pissed. Not only that she managed to top all of with frosting, by BURNING the HELL OUGHTA MY ARM, with her damn ciggarette. SHIT!!!

- When I finally relaxed and found some decent space on the sand by the Dj to dance by and trip my ass off, some ugly black dude came oughta nowhere and put his wrinkly old cheeck by my face for him to kiss. I was like :00. Man k tumba!!. I was then again, pissed, all over. shit man..

-Not only that, Omar.. Mr.Omar, decided to cobrarselas todas and wouldn't stop talking to me. Yes Omar, revenge is sweet, but not while I'm trippin man!!.. man did I get mad.. I felt like slapping him.. [I love u Omar :)]

-To top it all off, I decided to have this internal battle with my sandals. Resulta que a mi se me cojio con que yo no podia dejar las sandalias solas cause they would get lost, but I didn't wanna wear them either. So u could only imagine, what I was going through.

But besides all that everything else was GREAT. I had so much fun. WOW!!.. It was INCREDIBLE.. I'm still SPEECHLESS..

SUNDAY:: THE WAY BACK ::

The way back, now this was something. My "drumed" amanecia ass decided to stay and leave with Lolz on the way back, since we were still tripping our asses off in el "RONCON". It results that when we got back (a ride which I'd never forget)[parenthesis here: OMG!! Our drumed asses decided to accept a ride from uno panita de Moyris that we know, bueno el punto es k estos malditos grave, were really fucked up and almost got us Killed man. I was like :OOOOOOO. Osea me hiba dar un ataque de corazon. SHIT!! Was that awful!!] there we were in shock to find out that there weren't any busses from anywhere in Puerto Plata left to the Capi. We were like :O!!.

Ya tu te puede imaginar, how I was. I was about to loose my cool and start crying, but Lolz here with her cool mood let us all out, and found a way through [LOLZ U THE SHIT MAN!!] and we found a way safely back home. Interesting and Different, but Safe and Homely. I left a bit sad, since I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to my UMPH, but it's all good, I'll catch him here.. heheh.. [tan bello :p]

SO as You may see here folks, Cabarete is wild trip. I mean sseriously, nada de lo k yo pase en este trip me habia pasado antes. It was unbelievable. It was a great experience. None of it was planned or expected and we all enjoyed it at full blast. I loved it. It was Incredible. I'm near dying to repeat it. :0)

:: EYES WIDE SHUT ::

I wanna be blind folded by you..
..to not see.. know.. far more..
Erase my knowledge..
write me all over.. make a new script..
..we could blindlessly role play through it all..
..and just simply follow your lead..

:: ON THEM KNEES ::

I once had something that was so good.. better than anything I could've hoped for..
it was pure.. desirable.. what I always dreamed..
But I walked away.. turned around.. and figured I didn't like that much..
I been in and out looking.. searching.. for something real.. that someone..
I'm a believer.. standing in an endless line.. in search for love..
I've got a skeleton that's deeper than any closet.. I'm a sinner..
I'm unpredictable.. unreliable.. unreal.. so u..
but even so.. I opened up to me.. to karma.. I let myself through..
and I fell hard.. real hard.. so fuckin hard..
and I fell in.. deeply in.. in love.. beneath ur dishonesty.. so in love.. with u..

:: CAGED ::

Right now I feel like a bird.. caged without a key..
everyone comes to stare at me.. with strange eyes..
..slowly cutting off my wings..
they don't know how I feel inside..
Through my smile I cry.. they don't know what they're doin' to me..
Keeping me from flyin'.. that's why I say that..
I know why the caged bird sings.. only joy comes from her song..
She's so rare and beautiful to others..
Why not just set her free..

[KEYS]

:: WHEN IN DOUBT ::

"Sometimes, we have so much things to say, that the best thing we could do, is to remain silent." [Ili's Blog]

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The quote above is from one of my greatest friend's blog, Ili. I was reading her blog this morning, and as I read through it I encountered myself with this quote. I was captivated. I mean it's so true. We sometimes have so much inside.. so much.. so soon.. maybe too soon, that sometimes it's best to just hold it all in, to save ourselves from regret.. or from getting hurt.. from being vulnerable.. as a shield. But then again, sometimes if we hold it in for too long, it'll become too late, and then you'll regret it for being scared.. and never posting it. I have this theory, that I've come up with.. this little analisis.. I have come to the conclusion, that we should post it all when we feel secure enough to do so.. when we are just dying to burst.. to explode.. cause the longer you hold it in.. the worst it'll get. We should just post it (and by this I mean emotionally and physically), without second thoughts.. just do it. It's better to tell/show someone you love them, and how strongly you feel about them, then to hold it all in by fear and never say/do anything at all and loose them. You'll regret it. You'll drown in this ocean of what ifs, and what could'ves. It's horrible. It's just better to just post it. I mean what is there really to loose? What is there to be afraid of? what, embarrassment.. rejection.. that you'll scare them off.. that it's too soon... yeah could be.. but it's never too soon.. never.. todo lo contrario.. it if you wait long enough, it could become too late.. Just Post IT.. it's worse to just never to do anything at all. I mean seriously think about it.. you're with this person you really like, yeah there are no signs, but what if that person could be able to feel the same way.. you have to have Hope. Put the what if's and could'ves on a positive level.. (of course always being realistic, and keeping in mind that it could turn the other way around).. You have to prepare yourself.. to be strong.. to be ready to take the lead.. the first step.. sometimes it's you the one who has to work it.. to place the first brick. You have to be opened to love.. to let loose.. and yes you'll get hurt.. and yes you could be rejected.. but believe me.. it's much worse.. I mean a thousand times.. to just let it all in.. and never say anything.. to remain shut.

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Or like Ili said.. "JUST ENJOY THE SILENCE".. simply enjoy it.. let time do it's job.. and live through it all..

:: LIBERATE ::

I went out yesterday.. with this friend of mine.. that we have been trying to get together for like the longest time, and finally we did.. well I went.. I accepted.. and went.. and it was great.. I mean I really enjoyed it.. I needed that to liberate.. to forget.. to try different things.. to change.. get away from it all.. I'm trying so hard here.. to change.. to forget.. to erase.. its' so fucking hard.. it's hurts like hell.. it burns.. it's the worse.. I need to numb out.. NUMB... to not feel.. to go back to the old me.. to the though old me.. the numbed out me.. the invincible me.. the strong me... the powerful me..

the one with a shield for everything.. that wouldn't let anything affect her.. the restless me..

I had so much fun yesterday.. I mean I really did.. I needed that.. to numb out.. escape.. run from it all.. to relax.. go out.. and just have simple fun.. chill.. change settings.. be different.. it felt so good.. so fuckin good.. to try something new.. be different for once.. not be me.. but then again that's what got me into all of this..

One of my closest friend's [ili] told me that "I have the power to change".. to make things better.. to recuperate.. that I have to feel.. FEEL.. and not numb out.. " that I shouldn't escape.. that I have to learn.. to accept.. to just let go".. no darle mente.. put my mind to it..to erase it all.. and not numb out.. not to be numbed.. to actually face it.. maybe she's right.. well actually she is right.. it's fucking true.. I can't always numb out.. I have to accept.. to go through it.. to not run.. escape from it all.. like I always do.. but it's feels so fucking good..

I've never been through this.. never.. of being rejected [I wasn't really rejected, just not paid much attention, like I'm used to, not that I worked on getting it either, but it normally flies in by itself].. not being corresponded.. not getting what I want.. of actually being the "victim".. and falling in.. never.. I'm spoiled.. I'm always on top.. I was a fucking goddess.. I was always the harsh one.. the one who would commit the crime.. the "bitch"....

KARMA.. karma man.. it got me.. choked me.. I deserve all of this.. but then again.. I don't feel like I'm paying enough for my sins if that's what karma is.. a comeback of what u've done.. cause I was mean.. I was evil.. pure evil.. I had no regrets.. but then again.. I'm torn.. I'm actually torn.. I'm on the other side now.. and I hate it.. I regret it all.. I hate it..

But I think I'm getting over it.. I am.. I'm just not used to all of this.. the stir of emotions.. misplaced all over.. I don't know how to handle it.. but I've learned.. I'll learn.. I prefer to numb it all.. but I'll learn.. I have to face it.. be strong.. not let it overcome me.. and learn from it.. learn.. and grow... and rebuilt a better me.. a rejuvinated me.. a sophisticated me.. an invincible me.. a harden me.. the old me..